3 Things My Miscarriages Taught Me About Pain
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I read once that to truly rise to the heights of joy, one must know the depths of pain.
Pain.
Its something we are all acquainted with. Some more than others.
The birth of our firstborn brought overwhelming joy to my husband and me, following two miscarriages that left us shaken. 21 months later our second miracle baby joined our family, and life seemed so perfect.
I had taken the fragments of my brokenness and given them to Jesus, and in return He gave me two perfect miracles.
I was content.
It certainly never occurred to me that I’d have to do it again and again.
But in March of 2013 the excitement of impending motherhood was once again shattered as I said goodbye to my 3rd angel baby.
The sorrow that gripped my heart was so deep and intense, that I didn’t feel capable to share it with anyone, not even my husband.
Unable share its depths and unwilling to face the pain and allow God to bear it with me, I chose what I thought would be the easier route: I pushed it aside and drowned it out with noise and work.
It just seemed easier to pretend I didn’t hurt.
But you can’t pretend things into existence. Eventually you have to face reality.
For me, reality came April of 2014. I had no sooner began to dream of downy, soft heads and sweet baby smells, than the crushing blow of my fourth miscarriage hit.
This time I knew that no amount of noise or work could drown out the pain. God was lovingly but firmly leading me to a place where I would allow my husband, family and friends to bear it with me.
It hasn’t been easy. Frankly, it has been excruciating to open up the festering wounds to let them cleanse and heal. But in the journey I have learned a lot about myself and the endless love and grace of God.
3 Things My Miscarriages Taught Me About Pain
1. No matter how deep your pain is, God’s grace is even deeper.
You don’t have to ask for grace. It’s already there. You just have to reach out and take hold of it. You don’t deserve it.
You can’t earn it. You can’t ever be good enough to possess it.
It’s a gift that God gives each of us in direct proportion to our need.
The well will never run dry. You can’t ever exhaust the grace of God. I have learned this in a more profound way than I could ever adequately describe.
Is there pain in your life? Embrace God’s grace and allow Him to lead you through the valley to healing pastures. The journey isn’t easy, but it is necessary.
“But he said to me, ‘My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.’ Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.” 2 Corinthians 12:9
2. God doesn’t give more pain than we can bear…but not alone.
We often misquote the verse that tells us that God will not give us more than we can bear.
That verse is about temptation, not hardship. Does that mean that God does give us more hardship than we can bear?
He never expected us to bear our sufferings alone.
He made us relational so that we would support, encourage and help one another. He will not give us more than we can bear…as long as we tap into His grace and reach out to those He has placed in our lives to help us bear it.
To bear our suffering alone is not only impossible, it is dangerous. It is in those isolated moments that Satan has his best target on us.
3. We have to embrace the pain.
Embrace the pain.
Avoiding pain never makes it go away. By avoiding pain, we may cease to feel it, but it doesn’t mean that it no longer exists, anymore than taking an Aspirin for a back ache takes away the injury.
The feeling of the ache is gone, but the injury is still there.
To embrace pain, we must gather it in our hands and acknowledge it, face it, and walk the journey to healing one step at a time.
I’m still on this journey. I’ve not arrived yet. But I am much healthier than I was 6 months ago when I was hiding from my pain.
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Oh, Rosilind, I’m so sorry for your losses. We lost a baby just over a year ago, so I can understand the pain that it brings. Praying for you as you work through your grief. Thank you for being open about your pain. Suffering miscarriage is something that doesn’t get talked about often, but it happens to so many women. Thank you for sharing your journey. 🙂
I am so sorry for your losses, but thankful that you are sharing them with us.
Your post made me think about other forms of pain, such as the type inflicted by others. Sometimes, to protect innocent people and to avoid hurting others, we remain silent. Your post reminds us that we need to find someone safe to share our burden and hurt with. Someone who will pray with us, but isn’t close enough to the situation to be negatively impacted by our story and its pain.
I’ve only lost one, but I understand that desire to drown out the pain. My baby has been with Jesus for 14 years and I couldn’t face the loss until about 7 years ago. Thank you for sharing. Writing about this doesn’t just help those who read our words, it helps us, too.
I applaud your courage in writing this post. I have lost two children but not through death. I have written much about loss and the bottom line is, it matters not how you lose a child, the mother’s heart can still break. One of them was when we adopted a baby boy (3 days old) and a year later the mother demanded him back. I counsel a lot of women in this area and will refer them to this post as well. Thank you
Carol @ Battered Hope
Thank you for sharing this with us. I have lost two babies too through miscarriage. I still feel pain when I think about by babies. I have two beautiful kids now a 2yr old and a 6month old but it seems like I have a miscarriage before I have a full term baby. It’s really hard to have to tell a doctor that I have been pregnant 4x but only 2 living. 2 SAB. I just read Heaven’s for Real and it truly has helped me through my pain that I still feel today. I still hurt but I know that God is taking care of my precious babies and they are waiting for me. I don’t like it when people say God caused this to happen. I don’t believe God would want to hurt a mother like that. I know that he is there with the mother as she is grieving and he is grieving as well. He loves us more than we could every comprehend. God bless
Rosilind, can you believe this is my first Faith Filled Friday? Thank you for sharing so honestly. I needed to hear your words especially this close to Mother’s Day.
I am so sorry for your loss, Chrysti. It is much more common than we know, and I pray that as more women open up about their pain that the stories will help inspire others to seek healing as well.
You are so right. These 3 things can be applied to any kind of pain: we have to be wise with whom we share, but so often those who are able to be objective can help us walk that journey to healing.
I am so sorry for your loss, Heather. It’s not something you ever “get over”…but it is something that can become a precious part of our life story.
Yes, Carol – loss of a child happens in so many ways. Doesn’t it? I am so sorry that you have walked through this kind of loss. It must have been so hard to have to release your child back to his birth mother. What a blessing that you have been able to reach out to other women with your story. God is always faithful to redeem those negative circumstances in our lives.
It is such a comfort to know that one day we will gather our babies in our arms…but the hurt here on earth is sometimes hard to walk through. You are right: God didn’t cause this. He would never cause death – He only gives life. We live in a fallen world where negative things happen…but because we know Him and He lives in us, He can always bring good from it if we will allow Him to. And I believe that is why #3 is so important. When we walk that road to healing, we will watch Him bring good out of the enemy meant for evil. I pray that this will be true for you.
Congratulations, Joy!!! You are awesome! Thank you, it means so much to know that these words blessed someone else.
Thank you for sharing your heart through this post. Miscarriage is so painful. I have missed 3 times. You post is an encouragement for what is in my life now.
I am so glad it encouraged you, Judith.
So true! Our pain matters and can become something beautiful and healing to the world around us if we let God work through it.
You are so right — how is your book going? I am sorry I have not had a chance to read it yet.
I can only imagine the pain you have walked through, and still do…I often weep when I hear about other’s losses at church, the pain I know some of them carry just breaks me up inside.
Blessings & hugs to you Rosalind. Thanks for being brave enough to share your story. I believe it will encourage others.
Losing a baby is painful, whether it be full term or a miscarriage. I am reminded that in heaven you will enjoy a large reception waiting for you! Thank you for sharing your wonderful post with us here at “Tell Me a Story.” At: http://letmetelluastory.blogspot.com/
wonderfully said… thank you for sharing your pain with us at Salt & Light
Marissa
Thank you, Rachael. Yes but it is a pain that changes with time….it becomes less overtly painful and becomes simply tender. I think what helps is reminding ourselves that God does truly turn what the enemy means for evil into something good. Yes, good can come even of this. We just have to have faith in Him and allow Him room to do His good work.
Oh yes I will! There is nothing like loss to bring heaven much closer to our hearts!
Thank you, Marissa.
Oh, I am so sorry for your losses. I pray comfort and strength over you and your husband. I pray for healing and wholeness. May God grant you, the desire of your heart.
I am so sorry. You will help so many women with this post. I haven’t experienced this, but I know it could happen each time. Our pastor was talking last Sunday that Jesus calls us to suffer so that we can be closer to Him. Keep clinging to that cross. What a wonderful day it will be when you get to meet those babies in heaven. I have an angel baby brother that I can’t wait to see.
Popping in from … your linkup. 🙂
Erin
http://www.itallmattersmom.com
I am so sorry for your losses 🙁 I have also come to learn, through miscarriage, how much I need God and what it means to truly rely on Him. My latest blog post is also about loss. http://rahabtoriches.com/pregnancy-loss/ Thank you for sharing your heart.
I have only lost one child to miscarriage. I am blessed. I have only had one child though. My miscarriage came so late in life and never had a chance to give her a baby brother or sister whom she wants. She is always wishing for younger siblings which renews my pain. I don’t grin and bear it. The pain has melded into part of my story and part of my walk with God. I am sorry you have gone through so many miscarriages.
Such great words you have to share this morning! We struggled through miscarriage with our first and it was the lowest low for me. But like you said, God’s grace is deeper. I learned so much about true joy despite circumstances!
Thank you for your prayers. That means so much.
Thank you for your encouragement, Erin. It is very true – we must cling to the cross.
Thank you so much for sharing your post. I will be by to read it.
I am so sorry for your loss, too. But you are right – it is what makes our story.
I am so sorry for your loss. Yes – we find TRUE joy, that is rooted in Him, not our circumstances!
Thanks for sharing and thank you for taking pain and doing with it what God wants us to do with it–learn. I have had 3 miscarriages, a variety of chronic illnesses, and now an adult child denying God. My prayer has been, “God, don’t let this pain go to waste.” Here’s a thought from my devotions the other day, “If God finds anything like Himself in a human life, He must place it there.” –Chafer How does God place it there? Romans 5:3-5 Tribulation brings perseverance which leads to proven character which gives us hope that will not disappoint because God’s love has been poured out in our hearts. Keep leaning on God. I am so sorry for your losses. Easier or harder on the mission field? I can’t say. My losses occurred during our 24 years in South America as missionaries.
I am so sorry for your losses and now having an adult child walk away. That must be so hard. I think – yes – it was harder on the mission field – with a medical system very foreign to me. But, God’s grace is always there. He called me here, He will sustain me here. And He has certainly blessed me more than I can say!